Mukallita a Credit Controller

Ever since I got back from London to Sibiu a lot of people asked me about my job. I didn't quite want to answer. I kept avoiding it. And that's because my job is not a creative one, it doesn't leave anything behind in this world, I will not get down in history because of it. Hence my getting involved will all my resources in my campaign "Our children, our future! Get involved!" via http://asociatiapropediatria.ro/ to support the ONLY Paediatrics Hospital in Sibiu: to give something back. To society, to humankind, to this Universe!

I finally said what I did for a job: Credit Controller. Huh? What does that mean? Well, if you try going ad literam and tell me what you get by credit and what you mean by control, you pretty much get it yourself in the first place. Credit is when you take your ID, go in the big shop and come out 5 minutes later with your plasma TV, with your new PC, your new car, designer's clothes (made in China) without having physically paid a penny for any of these. Control is when the guy who allowed you to come out the shop with all that crap on credit, controls your account to check if you pay your monthly instalments in time, collects your money when you don't pay in time and reports you down on the bad debtor "black lists" when you act like a fool and don't pay up any more.

"Oh, you're like a debt collector, aren't you? You show up with a bat at our doors and pick up things to resell from our houses, right?" Yeah, sure, sure, it is a bat I use to collect stuff from your houses, as if I can resell your cheap cloth gum shoe soles snickers with Lacoste written on them.

When you think I even studied the ICM in London (Institute of Credit Management) for 2 years, just to be taught how to use the bat and smack people's heads with it.

I remember our ICM teacher teaching us that a credit controller does everything from credit risk assessment, credit limits, payment terms to tracking down payments in the bank, keeping an accurate database and of course collecting the money. In reality it is the credit analyst who handles the risk and the credit limits, the collector does the rest. But not just anyhow, he/she does it in style: through effective communication because "a sale is not a sale until the money's in the bank!" Word!

Well, in Uca (a.n. Ro pronounciation of UK) this effective communication job goes really well: I talk too much in English, too, just like I do in Romanian. And with a well established judicial system, it's not really that hard to recover debt in a timely manner:

Me: “Hello, hello. How do you do? Mukallita Leekie Li here. You know, you have an unpaid invoice on your account, raised 31 days ago while your payment term is 30 days from date of invoice. WTF were you thinking?”

The Englishman’: “I am terribly sorry, Mrs Machalita, could you please be ever so kind as to forgive me?”

While I insert a "Hi, hi, sure, I understand, just make sure it doesn't happen again" in the conversation together with a "How can I help you?" the client gets to see you're a nice chap, you're polite, you smile on the phone (yes, you can actually hear when people smile on the phone, try it). And then the client pays up, money comes in the bank quicker (this is called cash flow), the boss is happy to be able to pay out salaries, the employees are happy to have money to spend, the shops and supermarkets rejoice in having to order more stuff from producers/manufacturers and this is how we all keep the credit cycle financial wheel spinning.

Coz' when I wasn't there to collect money on time any more, the boss no longer paid out salaries, the employees panicked over losing their jobs, they stopped spending money and chose to save it hidden in their wool socks also hidden under their bed mattress (to make sure Mrs Merkel wouldn't tax the savings, too!), so the shops & supermarkets couldn't pay their suppliers, the suppliers couldn't pay the producers and so the wheel stopped spinning and the crisis came along. And the Americans were unable to print more money to get the wheel started again coz' they had run out of special ink and paper.

Ever since I started to lay it out in German, too, I've been occasionally collecting the Germany ledger, too, as follows:

My phone rings: “Guten Tag, ich bin Frau Schmerkel, ich will gleich zahlen (I want to pay asap)”.
Me: "Guten Tag, but what do you want to zahlen as there is no overdue invoice on your account?"
FS: "Well, ich muss (I MUST) die Fakturen (the invoices) that you are about to invoice today zahlen." Since these guys are zahlen-ing before the invoice being raised, their ledger is always clean.

Well, but the fun I had recovering Romanian debt for a London based company! The efficient communication of "The Romanian born to be a poet" (talks a lot, gets lost in long sentences) type went down really well:

Me: "Hello, I'm calling from a London based company to which you owe money."
Rb2bP (The Romanian born to be a poet): "What debt, m'aam, we're in 2009, I haven't paid my bills since 2004!"

Me: "Well, it's those invoices we're chasing payment for. In order to avoid transferring your file to our Legal Department I suggest we agree on a payment plan."
Rb2bP: "ha, ha, ha, what legal action m'aam, are you suing me from London, what have you been doing up to today? Why haven't you called me here in Piatra, Olt county 5 years ago? Why don't you nicely do a debt circumscription as I know that's what you do after 5 years if I haven't made any payments toward the debt."

Me: "Yes, the debt can be removed after 5 years, but it's called debt prescription, Sir."
Me again, trying to strike up a conversation and see where he was "coming from": "So, you're from Piatra, Olt county. I'm from Slatina, Olt County" (20-30 minute drive)

Rb2bP: “Awww, well, why didn't you say so, neighbour, drop by my office for a coffee next time you come to visit.”

Needless to say that my neighbour didn't pay anything. The man knew what he knew, plus he was also daringly bluffing. Who the Hell on Earth would have sued him based in Piatra, Olt County, Romania, all the way from London, for that debt amount below £500?

As far as the credit goes, so far the Universe helped me pay out my bank debt to up to 95% of the original amount. Compared to the initial sum, what I owe on my credit card now is as tiny as an ant's dick (my Romanian friend Romica taught me that the answer to the riddle "What's smaller than an ant's dick?" is "The bacteria's dick"). Just when I was so close to paying up my last 2 instalments, a financial adviser in the UK advised to actually keep the credit card open. Coz' if I ever intend to borrow money from the bank again I need to build up credit history, to show up as a good payer on the credit report.

So, as much as I want to get out of the vicious credit cycle (The Rat Race as Robert Kiyosaki calls it in his "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" book) I can't as consumerism won't let me to. I need to stay in the race as a small rat, keep my credit, pay the huge interest, just because one day I might fancy cheap cloth gum shoe soles snickers with Lacoste written on them...

Meanwhile, lest we should forget the credit cycle, we keep stirring the polenta in circles, as per instructions in the nursery rhyme tutorial below (we need to teach them young, don't we?). I surely hope that you all got what I do now: I use a bat to hit heads. On a nail, that is.